If you’re struggling to get on with your in-laws you’ll appreciate Mary Curran’s following tips for building a better relationship
Getting married is usually one of the happiest days in your life. However, you also need to realise you do not just gain a husband/wife but a whole side of the family you did not have before. Very often the relationship you have with your In-laws can directly affect the relationship that you have with your spouse.
In the past in Ireland, some mothers mollycoddled their sons. Later in life when these boys became men and married, they held the same expectations of their wife. They would use expressions like – “Well my mother always did it this way, or my mother always picked up the underwear and made the beds, etc.”
You must always remember that you fell in love and married this person and not their parents. Some people when they marry, experience in-laws who love them. However, should you not be their favourite person in the world there could be arguments, resentment and sometimes even hatred.
Here are some tips on how to get on well with your in-laws, while staying true to your values, beliefs, and maintaining your boundaries.
1 KEEP AN UNITED FRONT
Like in parenting, when parents find they need to discipline their children it is imperative that they keep an united front, this also stands when it comes to dealing with in-laws. When you both have a moment, you can explain to your families, in private that you choose your partner out of love and if they love and respect you, they need to respect your choice and your partner. Sometimes, the person with the primary relationship (the son or daughter, not the in-law needs to step in and resolve the conflict).
2 ALWAYS SHOW RESPECT TO YOUR IN-LAWS AND NEVER GIVE THEM A REASON NOT TO LIKE YOU
Respect and value their differences of opinions, religion and perspectives on life. You will always find with in-laws, they have been around longer than you and sometimes feel that they know more than you. They sometimes want to give you advice even in areas you do not want it. This advice could be about children, money, etc. In a gentle way, let them know that you love them and will at times share information with them. However, should they invade your home, and go through your bills, etc, you would need to put your foot down immediately. On occasion, stand in their shoes and see what they are offering from their perspective and make an effort to understand their point of view.
3 NOT BEING GOOD ENOUGH!
Sometimes, one of the problems with your in-laws is that they do not consider you good enough for their son/daughter. On one occasion as I was coaching a client on this particular challenge, she said to me “I feel I am dammed if I do, and dammed if I don’t! I don’t understand why they don’t like me.” The client was feeling very unwanted and found she was always looking for ways of gaining approval from them. In a situation like this, one of the first steps is for you and your spouse to stand united. He/she must communicate to your in-laws that you both come first in each other’s life. When in the company of your in-laws, do not allow them to be disloyal in what they say about your spouse. Should they start to say something derogative, immediately stop them in their paths. Soon, when your in-laws realise that neither of you will allow them to say anything negative, they will then slowly start to accept you.
4 USE YOUR SENSE OF HUMOUR
It is always easier to deal with your in-laws if you have a sense of humour. It is sometimes easier to laugh things off. Nobody can hurt you or annoy you, unless you give them permission. This calls for a certain amount of discipline, emotional intelligence and sometimes a change of attitude.
When someone says something hurtful to you, immediately ask yourself the following:
> Is it valid what they are saying?
> Take time to reflect on what has been said
> Then RESPOND – never re-act. When you react to something that is said by another, you give that person “power over you”.When your in-laws realise they are not receiving any reaction from you, they might ease up on their snide remarks as they are not getting the reaction they wanted.
5 DON’T TALK NEGATIVELY ABOUT YOUR IN-LAWS IN THE PRESENCE OF CHILDREN
If children are around, never talk about your in-laws in a negative way. Remember children are like sponges and they take in and remember everything they see and hear and can often repeat what they hear. Should they repeat any negative comments you might have made in a state of anger about your in-laws, this certainly could damage your relationships with your in-laws.
6 ANCHOR A SIGNAL FOR YOUR PARTNER
Should you get on very well with your in-laws, then visiting them can be a pleasure for both of you. However, if you do not look forward to visiting your in-laws and only do so out of duty and loyalty to your partner, then both of you must decide to limit the amount of time you spend in their company. Decide that when you are ready to leave, you change the way you sit, or you touch your hair in a certain way. Vary the signal from time to time, so that your in-laws don’t catch on.
7 ALLOW YOUR SPOUSE OR CHILDREN TO VISIT YOUR IN-LAWS WHENEVER THEY WISH
For whatever reason, you might not want to be around your in-laws, always allow your spouse or children to visit them. By doing this, you avoid developing more hostility between all of you. Do try and continue to have a relationship with your in-laws, as a lot of the time, it is something in their mind, beliefs and thoughts that they need to sort out and nothing to do with you. Relationships change all the time, and one day they might begin to accept you.
8 DON’T WASTE ENERGY ON TRYING TO CHANGE SOMEONE ELSE AS YOU CAN ONLY CHANGE YOURSELF
Although, at times you wish your in-laws would change, you must only focus on changing yourself. Maybe, change your attitude towards them. Offer to help them, when the occasion arises. Little by little, by valuing the differences in each other, you could establish a loving and respectful relationship with them.
As the founder of the Coach Centre in Dublin, Mary Curran has over nine years experience in the field of coaching.
