Porn and your relationship

Does porn have a detrimental effect on a person and can it lead to the breakdown of a relationship? We ask two leading spokespeople what their views are on this controversial topic

Gone are the days when pornography was confined to rented videos and top shelf magazines. Further advances in web and mobile phone technology have brought porn to a whole new level. Online porn has catapulted overall pornography consumption – attracting new (and younger) viewers, encouraging more use from existing fans and escalating consumers from soft-core to harder-core material.

In recent years, psychologists and sociologists have warned about the impact of pervasive pornography – arguing that porn is transforming sexuality and relationships – for the worse. Is recreational use of porn healthy? And can it lead to the breakdown of a relationship?

Sociologist Gail Dines and sex, body language and relationships expert and writer Tracey Cox tell eh&l what they think about the overall effects of porn on an individual and on relationships.

Gail Dines is a professor of sociology and women’s studies at Wheelock College in Boston, Massachusetts. Author of recently published Pornland: How porn has hijacked our sexuality, Gail has a PhD in sociology and has researched, lectured and written about pornography for over twenty years.

Q. Does watching too much porn lead to someone becoming desensitised?

“In my interviews with consumers of porn, I hear over and over again how they become bored and desensitised and that they need more brutal and degrading images to stay aroused. Porn bleeds sex dry of emotion, connection and intimacy, the very things that keep sex interesting so no wonder boredom sets in. Since men now have easy access to porn, they are consuming it in greater quantities. My interviews suggest that men who use porn have a distorted view of sex, and often want to play out porn sex with their partners. They also become dissatisfied with their partners and in some cases, prefer masturbation to actual sex.”

Q. Does pornography have an adverse effect on relationships?

“The American Academy of Matrimonial Lawyers found that porn use is a major cause of divorce and relationship problems. Some of the men I have interviewed did indeed say that after using porn they were less interested in their partners and in having actual sex. They also become critical of the way their partner looks and because they get so used to hardcore sex, the sex they have with their partners feels bland and boring. I recently interviewed a young woman whose husband can no longer ejaculate during sex. He has been addicted to porn for many years and now is using porn in place of a sexual relationship with his wife.

There is no evidence to suggest that men who use porn are less likely to have affairs. These are mere excuses that men use to get their partners to agree to their porn use. I hear from many women who feel betrayed when they find out that their partner is using porn.”

Q. Do you think that a woman’s self-esteem suffers when she is aware that her partner is looking at porn?

“Women are inundated with images of women that most simply cannot live up to. These images come from pop culture and from porn and make women feel like they are failures. Most women in porn have surgically enhanced bodies and screaming orgasms and girls and young women are now expected to look and act like a porn star in order to attract a man. Anything less looks dowdy.”

Q. How does porn affect young boys’ attitudes towards and sex and

relationships later in life?

“The earlier a boy views porn, the greater the impact, because he has few if any authentic sexual experiences outside of the porn. Given that porn is probably the most powerful form of sex education today, boys have few if any alternative images that show what respectful and equal sex looks like. Porn diminishes their capacity for intimacy and connection by teaching them that great sex is based on the debasement and dehumanisation of women.

We need to see porn use as a public health issue and raise awareness about the harms it does to women, men and relationships. This means teaching sex education in schools and communities as a way to counter some of the porn images that bombard us. We also need to build a vibrant feminist movement that fights against these corporate predators.”

Tracey Cox is an international sex, body language and relationships expert. Her television credits include Date Patrol and The Sex Inspectors among others, and she’s also appeared on Oprah and CNN. Author of Supersex for Life, Tracey has an academic background in psychology.

Q. Does watching too much porn lead to someone becoming desensitised ?

“The first point that has to be made is that it’s not just men watching porn. A recent study in the US showed one in three visitors to adult porn sites in the first three months of 2007 was a woman. During the same period, nearly 13 million American women were checking out porn online at least once a month.

I do agree that a man can become desensitised by watching excessive amounts of porn, but I don’t think it necessarily leads to him seeking out more graphic and degrading images. Lots of men do the opposite: they’ll find something they like and stick with that, without venturing into other things. This can cause its own problems: If a man watches porn constantly and it’s a very niche, particular type of porn – only women with big breasts, for instance, he will become desensitised to sex with women with normal size breasts. Our brains are lazy and if it forges a well-worn, familiar path to orgasm through him watching girls with big breasts and masturbating, it won’t make the effort to become aroused by other things.”

Q. Does pornography have an adverse effect on relationships?

“One main problem with porn is that Internet sex has replaced real sex for an alarming number of men. Net porn is instantly accessible, invites him to view ever-inviting images without fear of judgement and offers an endless supply of variety, 24 hours a day. It’s pretty hard for a wife of ten years to beat that, and it’s one reason why research is showing low desire in the bedroom isn’t just restricted to women. US therapist Michele Weiner Davis, with 30 years of couples therapy under her belt, suggested 25% of American men don’t want sex. One of the reasons why, is Internet porn being used to replace real sex: Net sex is zero pressure – and that’s very tempting if you’re having erection problems (you don’t need an erection to orgasm) or suffering from performance anxiety.”

Q. Do you think that a woman’s self-esteem suffers when she is aware that her partner is looking at porn?

“I get lots of letters from women saying they’re deeply concerned about their men watching porn for this reason: they feel they don’t ‘measure up’ to the women their partner is watching, and think he secretly wants them to act like the girls on screen. He doesn’t. Men are visual. They’re easily able to separate sex and love. To most men, porn is just a bit of fun. Most men don’t take it seriously. They know it’s not real sex and the women aren’t real (fake breasts, vaginal surgery, shaved, plucked and ‘bleached’). Just because they enjoy watching women like that on screen, doesn’t mean they want their partner to look like that. The whole point of porn for lots of men is an escape, a fantasy.”

Q. How does porn affect young boys’ attitudes towards and sex and

relationships later in life?

“To me, this is one of the most dangerous aspects of porn. It’s true that teenage boys are using Internet porn as ‘sex education.’ They aren’t mature or sexually educated enough to figure that the sex they’re seeing isn’t what the average couple get up to in bed. They then expect this from their girlfriends when they start having sex. They also assume other messages we get from porn – that women don’t need foreplay, swoon at the sight of a penis, etc. – are correct, meaning we have a whole generation of men who are going to be lousy lovers ahead of us. The answer to this is to get our acts together with sex education. We need to make sure our teenagers are given good, non-judgemental information about sex to try to combat the porn effect.”

The psychologist’s point of view:

Owen Connolly is a consultant psychologist and marriage and family therapist – in private practice in, Stillorgan, Co Dublin

“Most men at some time have looked at porn in their lifetime. Porn, just like any stimulant can become addictive. Sexual stimulation is mind-altering as any substance, like alcohol, heroin or cocaine, exciting the production of chemicals in the brain such as Dopamine. The constant use of porn to generate this excitement can lead to addiction, so take it – that porn, just like our drugs, provides a reward, the reward being arousal and excitement. Men and women from the beginning of time have been doing just that.

It is wrong for a woman to compare herself with anyone not least the porn actress. She should be happy in her own skin. If she is made to compare herself she is with a partner who is an abuser and that relationship will not last.

As cyber sex and porn do not represent reality, the fear is when young boys and men get hooked, their later relationships with their meaningful other will be damaged. Their fear of how they may perform sexually may be exaggerated.

This industry is not going away. Our way of dealing with this is to properly educate our children – to respect their bodies and to have respect for others by understanding how our bodies work and what addiction will do to the mind.”

SURVEY

In a survey of 66 women, we asked the following question:

Do you think that porn objectifies women and that it is also insulting to women?

63% of respondents said they did NOT think that porn objectified women or that it was insulting to females.

Surprisingly, only 37.9% agreed that porn is insulting to women.