Relationship coach Mary Curran discusses the steps to healing after your partner has had an affair
There is no doubt about it – when an affair takes place in a relationship there is always pain, a sense of loss of respect, and an issue around trust.
99 out of 100 affairs take place mainly because something is not working in the relationship.
How does this happen?
Most people lose sight of what is important to them (personal values) and are now in a relationship where there is no compromise, or an affair has taken place. Many people have no idea what their values are in a relationship. The fastest route to knowing what you want in a relationship is by defining your ‘relationship values’. In order to stay together after an affair, a couple should work on the following tools, tasks and requests to make things work:
Step 1
Firstly, describe what you don’t want in a relationship.
Step 2
State your top ten values in a relationship. For example, these could include honesty, integrity, ambition, intelligence, sexual connection (spark), faithfulness and trust.
Step 3
Now prioritise your top 10 values into the top 3. For example, is integrity, a higher value than sexual connection for you? So let’s say you meet someone, and they have great integrity. However, you feel that there is no sexual connection, do you wish to have a relationship with them? Is this a complete relationship? Does it fulfil the following needs – physical, emotional, spiritual and mental? Usually the person realises, they have many best friends who have integrity, however, when it comes to a full relationship, they certainly do not want a sexual connection, so integrity would go higher in the value system.
It is very important to prioritise your values. Behind every action, lies a decision, behind every decision lies your value. Most of us make decisions without realising that we are making it from our value system.
Step 4
Now look at your existing relationship with your significant other. Evoke their values and also prioritise them to their top 3.
Step 5
Discuss with your partner about your findings and talk about your values. Most relationships break down because of a lack of communication. Some people, do not know that through their own personal development journey, they are at a different place and no longer share the same values as the other person.
Some people realise that the reason their relationship was going down hill, was because they never talked about what was missing and what had changed.
When people have completed this exercise, immediately some answers surface with common responses including “I never knew that was so important to you,” or “So you really value time at home together more than going out socially – how come you didn’t tell me?”
Also some people don’t realise that they all have a psychological contract set up within their relationship. An example of this is “I never communicated or asked my partner to put the lid back on the toothpaste” and then when he/she leaves the cap off, I get angry and give out.” When I ask the person did they communicate this to their partner, they then say “no, but I thought my partner would know not to do this!”
An affair is usually the end result of a lack of communication, or a lack of compromise on values. Working with someone after an affair could be compared to a ‘grief’ cycle. Using the acronym tool ‘SARAH’ is very effective.
1 SADNESS. We deal with the sadnesses of the person who has been the victim of the ‘affair.’
2 ANGER. We deal with the victim’s anger at their partner. They need to share all this anger and move on then to their reality.
3 REALITY/REVENGE. The victim must ask the following questions: Where am I now in this relationship? Do I want to stay in this relationship? How can I make this work? How can I ever trust this person again? Do I want revenge?
4 ACCEPTANCE. Can I forgive this person and accept what has happened? Can I accept, although I didn’t realise it that there was part of me in this as well? Did I not listen? What part in all of this, do I take responsibility for? For example, was I not interested in their life, did I not want a sexual relationship?
5 HEALING. The last area in this is where someone has gone through the process (the time varies from person to person) and now they are at a stage where they are ready to move on. Forgiveness has taken place. When you separate ‘the behaviour from the person’, forgiveness becomes easier.
MOVING ON
Once a couple are clear about their values and have come to a place where
they are able to forgive and move on, it is now a good time to plan the next six months, with their new values. They should make sure that they are willing to communicate with each other whenever a conflict arises. The victim should not bring up the past and the affair when an argument arises. In order to move forward, the past is there to be reflected on, and not as an instrument to use in a row. This is the platform for a very sustainable future.
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Mary Curran is a highly experienced coach and coach mentor with over nine years full-time in the profession. of coaching. See www.coachcentre.com or email your relationship questions to relationships@easyhealth.ie
