Being a parent isn’t easy even under the best of circumstances, but trying to be a parent to a child who you haven’t raised – being a step parent – is even harder. It is a tough job for all involved. Here is some advice for those who have just stepped into the role
Whether you already have kids of your own or if parenthood is completely new to you becoming a step parent is without doubt a major upheaval. You want to bond with the children, you want to be as a good a parent as possible but you’re constantly petrified of being labelled as the ‘wicked stepmother.’
Terry Murphy became a step-parent five years ago when she married Paul and admits that stepmotherhood has its ups and downs. “Paul and I have one daughter each from our previous marriages (both aged seven) and a son together who is 19 months, Matthew. We got together when Francesca was just turning two.
In the beginning, Gabby, Paul’s daughter (a sensitive child) was extremely jealous of both me and Francesca and was terribly needy of Paul (she was devastated by the divorce). If I put my hand on Paul’s leg, Gabby would kick and push me away, she would pull faces and hiss like a cat – a little girl fighting for her survival.”
Space and time
Initially Terry took it very easy, giving Gabby and Paul lots of space but after a few months they decided it was time to start putting boundaries in place for Gabby. “We didn’t want her to grow up being her ‘father’s partner’ as opposed to ‘daughter’, as we felt this would be unhealthy for her in the long run. We needed to establish who the adults were and who the kids were. ”The two girls fought with each other until we realised that it only happened when Paul and I were in the room, the minute they were on their own they got along perfectly .They also had a need for friendship and peace, so that’s the route we’ve taken – allowing the girls as much time together without us as possible. As a result they have become more than best friends over the past five years.”
Jealousy and competitiveness can be a problem between step children as Terry explains. “Gabby may always feel like Francesca stole her daddy. Paul and I make a huge effort to act fairly during conflict, but we also separately talk very honestly to our own children to explain the dynamics and support them through difficulties – I feel it’s important that they understand what they are dealing with rather that pretending everything is like a ‘normal family’ – I can’t say we ever will feel like a ‘normal family’ but we are a happy collection of people.”
Be yourself
Terry emphasises that it is vital to simply be yourself when dealing with the stepchildren. “I don’t try to be Gabby’s mother/stepmother, I try to be ‘Terry’, which seems to work. I can step back from a parenting role with her when it gets tough and ask Paul to step in. This way she doesn’t try to go to war with me. If I need to, I reinforce boundaries as ‘person to person’ and not ‘wicked stepmother to step daughter’. There is a difference. We get along well but Paul and I have made sure that Gabby respects our marriage and me. These days she will often share her feelings with me more openly than with Paul presumably because I am a safe person to talk to, and she is completely respectful thanks to Paul’s support.”
“Francesca is a far more secure child and didn’t miss her biological father in the early days since he was not particularly participative. She has adopted Paul as ‘Daddy’ and still sees her biological father (also ‘Daddy’) twice a month. Although Paul is her Daddy full time, she somehow knows to step back very slightly and allow Gabby that space when she arrives to stay.
Terry and Paul are their own children’s primary disciplinarians, but if they need to they’ll deal with the other’s child and discuss it at a later stage. “Here it is extremely important that we trust each other to be fair and gentle with the other’s children. Otherwise it’s too easy to favour your own child and break the trust of your partner.”
Terry advises new step mothers to not try to force the children to adopt you as they may just end up resenting you. “Win them over slowly instead. Let your partner learn to trust you with their child because like it or not, their child will usually come first for them. Don’t let the kids use their parents as their weapons against one another, it’s too easy for a parent to get involved in the kids’ fights and ‘team up’ with their child against the other. When both parents get involved this is a definite marriage wrecker. Try to spend regular time with your own kids, and with your stepchild separately in order to build a relationship with each child independently. It may never feel like a ‘normal’ family but that’s okay too. Find your own shape for the family.”
TOP TIPS FOR STEPMOTHERS
> Accept your role of stepmother and don’t try to become the mother.
> Understand relationships take time to develop. Love for your stepchildren will not happen overnight if at all. Work on liking them first. Look for the good in them and respect them and their privacy.
> Don’t get into the blame game. You are not responsible for every misbehaviour of your stepchild.
> Make yourself available for your stepchildren. Do some one-on-one activities with them to build rapport.
> Work as a team with your partner to build new house rules and traditions.
