Kids’ temperaments vary dramatically – so some kids may experience regular tantrums, whereas others have them rarely. Susan Gilmore, owner of Gymboree Play and Music offers up some clever ways to combat your child’s tantrums
Tantrums: all children have them. Most adults would love the chance of a little afternoon lie down, so why does the mere mention of a nap cause most toddlers to fly into a blind rage? I would love it if just once I could hear a two-year-old say, “I have been hitting the sandbox pretty hard, and you know, those Lego didn’t put themselves together. I am just shattered, so record Barney for me and hold all my calls, I am going to lie down.”
By all accounts, I had an EASY baby. All she did was smile and laugh from morning till night. She was a great sleeper and went to bed from 10pm to 10am. She only took 1 nap a day but it was a solid two and a half to three hours. She was a joy.
The first tantrum
Then one morning, when she was about 16 months old, she had her first tantrum. I was shocked and surprised. I thought aliens had come down and abducted my baby and replaced her with a look alike.
The morning had started out as normal. We woke up at 10, had a little breakfast, got cleaned up and got dressed. We were running a little late for our 11:45 Gymboree class, so I quickly grabbed Katherine’s shoes and attempted to swiftly put them on her adorable little feet. She wasn’t having any of it. She wanted to put them on herself. Normally, I wouldn’t have a problem with this, it was just that on this particular morning I couldn’t spare the 30 minutes per shoe it took her to get them on her feet. I finally got too frustrated to wait any longer and forced her into her shoes.
Advice
Something had to be done, and fast. I started reading. I wanted to find a book to say how to stop tantrums. I wanted to go back to the way it was. All the books would say was why tantrums started. Again I read on, because I was ever hopeful that I could change her behaviour. Turned out, it was more my behaviour that needed modifying.
Identify the triggers
I remembered back to a few years before when my niece was two. She was also a lovely little girl but one day had an absolute melt down over what seemed like nothing. Jane (my sister-in-law) put it to a quick end by running to the window and chasing off an imaginary bold cat. I said, “That was great! What was that?” Jane said “It’s a sad state of affairs when a relatively intelligent woman of 30 isn’t more creative than a two-year-old.”
Well, all that is interesting, but let’s put it in context. The best way to get out of a power struggle with a two-year-old is not to get into one in the first place. Most tantrums, while seemingly caused by nothing, are actually triggered by something. You should sit down, in the whole of your health, not in the middle of a fire fight, and try to think what causes them with your child.
The first thing you need to do is identify the common triggers for temper tantrums in your child or children.
Remember, sometimes the best defence is a good offence. If you can identify all the triggers, you can often avoid a temper tantrum before it starts. As your baby moves into toddlerhood, they want more independence. They often want to dress themselves. For example, you can make both your lives a lot easier by buying clothes that the children can easily put on themselves. This reduces a lot of frustration and allows a certain amount of independence.
Common tantrum triggers
> Independence
> Tiredness
> Hunger
> Lack of communication – knowing what they want to say but not being able to say it can’t say it
> Attention Seeking
How to avoid tiredness
I always say to my children, it is much easier for me to be a wonderful, creative mum, if I get an uninterrupted night’s sleep. But while you can’t always guarantee you’ll get a good night’s sleep, you should never be out with a tired toddler. You should know your child’s schedule by now. Gone are the days when you can meet your friend for coffee whenever suits you. Now you need to consider your toddler’s nap schedule and try your best not to mess with it.
Food helps
Hunger should be easy to avoid. I recommend a nappy bag always full of healthy treats. As they get bigger, their appetite grows too. You never want to find yourself in a situation with a hungry child, and no immediate access to food. You can get yourself out of most temper tantrums with a little food. Even if your child sees a toy they really want, and starts to throw a tantrum, you can often distract with the right healthy treat. If they eat the snack and still want to fight for the toy, at least you can rule out hunger as the cause.
Start praising
Does the squeaky wheel always get the grease? If it does, and you’re a mum, get ready to hear a lot of squeaks. Does your child only ever use their whiney voice? Do you get asked for the most benign things, like a glass of water like “MAAAAAAMMMMY iiiiiiii waaaaaant a glaaaaaaass of waaaaterrrrrrrr.” You need to start praising every bit of good behaviour you see. Make a really big deal out of it. In our busy days in the middle of our busy lives, it is often easy for us to forget that we aren’t just maids, here to wash them, feed them and keep them dry. But it is our job to raise them properly. We need to teach them everything, from walking to talking to sharing and more importantly, manners. Sometimes we are too quick to correct and too slow to praise. Try to remember to praise them three times for doing something right for every one time you correct them for doing it wrong. It doesn’t have to be a whole song and dance, it can be as simple as “thank you.”
Distraction is the key
When you are not successful in avoiding a temper tantrum, how do you get out of them? Well, if your child is under three, distraction is your best option. You need to remind yourself that the thing your child is crying over in the temper tantrum might have nothing to do with why they are really crying. It might look to all the world that your child is crying over a bag of sweets that they want, but you know that you missed naptime and this child is just crying and using the bag of sweets as an excuse. In this case, once you distract them, they’ll forget the tantrum in a hurry.
Be consistent
You need to show your children that you are consistent. They learn everything by watching you. In their first year of life they learn how to walk and most of the rules of at least one language all by observing you. You need to be careful what else you might be teaching them without meaning to. You need to be very consistent with the word NO. No needs to mean NO. It can’t mean maybe.
Once you have set your limits set you should be able to communicate them simply. When your two-year-old asks you “Why not?” You need to be able to clearly explain why the answer is no. “Because I said so!” is not an acceptable answer. If you can’t clearly explain why the answer is no in a way that makes sense to a two-year-old, perhaps your answer should be yes.
Worth it in the end
It might sound like a lot of work. And I will admit there is a lot of set up involved in this method. You need to identify triggers of tantrums and avoid them. You need to have a long list of distractions ready to pull out at a moments notice. You need to consider what is most important to you and your partner in the raising of your children and set appropriate limits. You need to praise good behaviour all the time and be consistent with the word NO. However, once you do this, you get to enjoy parenthood. Once I followed these rules, I got my bundle of joy back. Now parenthood is filled with game and songs and happy days and not full of fights and temper tantrums and time outs and threats being acted on.
Top Tip
You need to identify triggers of tantrums and avoid them. You should have a long list of distractions ready to pull out at a moment’s notice.
Here is a list of potential distractions:
> Songs: Make up a song on the spot about what they are crying over. Sing one of their favourite songs – make it funny.
> Make up an animal. You could say things like “Shoo, you naughty pussy cat” or “Is that a doggie I see?”
> Make up a character: Pretend to be a funny character. Give them a funny walk or a funny voice. Let them have the outragious behaviour and scold the character for the behaviour
> Feed your child.
> Give them nap.
> Take them out the situation.
More info
www.playandmusic.ie
Telephone: 01 493 8829
or 087 637 603
