The invention of the worldwide web has made life simpler and more convenient for most of us. but it is causing huge problems in some relationships. Relationship coach Carole Smith explains why the Internet has come between so many couples
In recent times, therapists have noticed couples presenting with a new relationship issue that just ten years ago was unheard of in Ireland – the Internet. Although with broadband now more widely available and up to 63% of the Irish population online perhaps we shouldn’t be surprised. But how can one of the greatest technological inventions of the 20th century, one that gives us access to a vast amount of knowledge, allows us communicate with people around the globe in moments, even limits queuing time at banks, become a threat to our most intimate relationships?
A first response might be that it’s the amount of time spent online but not so, as usage varies greatly for everyone. For some, going online is necessary for work. For others, surfing the ‘net’ is about staying connected with far-flung friends and family. Others use it to resource information, while even more use it for practical purposes like paying bills or ordering groceries from the local supermarket. However, while the Internet provides many undisputed benefits, it would be remiss to deny some of its more negative ramifications.
Online intimacy
A primary attraction of the Internet is that without walking outside your front door, you can shop, gamble, chat, date, or even have cybersex. All of it, if wanted, conducted anonymously, with little or no accountability or fear of the usual social or cultural consequences. This has led to concerns that such ease of use encourages people to spend more time alone, connecting online with strangers, developing superficial relationships and all at the expense of deeper face-to-face connections with partner, family or friends. It’s what you’re giving up to be online that poses the biggest threat to intimate relationships.
Already we are hearing cautionary tales from the U.S. telling us the Internet is a contributing factor in up to half of all marital problems. Specifically, relationships are breaking down where one partner has developed an online relationship with another person. Closer to home and perhaps taking it to another extreme altogether is the U.K. couple (who met in an online chat room back in 2003) that divorced, citing ‘unreasonable behaviour’ after the discovery of one partner’s alter ego having an online affair on the virtual reality game, Second Life. The social networking sites Facebook and Friends Reunited have also come under fire for contributing to the break-up of relationships. Both sites offer the opportunity to reconnect with old friends while also opening up endless possibilities to meet and flirt with new friends and if wanted, to source out old flames and first loves.
What is the allure?
Some people, feeling undesired or that they’ve lost a connection with their partner, may view online dating sites or chat rooms as a forum where they can present the best of themselves, the charming, fun, flirtatious side of their personality that a partner no longer notices or appreciates. For those who value the anonymity of the Internet, it offers an opportunity to become more uninhibited, exploring fantasies with others who seem more like-minded. If it’s excitement you’re after, affairs, including online affairs, are all about secrecy, putting the body on high alert, creating an adrenalin rush and making an ordinary life seem less ordinary. Equally, an online relationship is easier, requiring less work, or indeed the commitment a ‘real’ relationship needs to continually develop and grow.
Case study
When Ciara and Eoin arrived into therapy, they explained how eight months previously and just two years into their marriage, Ciara had found text messages on Eoin’s phone from a woman he met online in a chat room. After the discovery, Eoin initially minimised both the importance and the impact of his behaviour. He told Ciara, “It meant nothing, it’s not like I ever met her.” Eight months on, Ciara was still devastated and at a loss as to whether they could rebuild their relationship with her trust in Eoin severely damaged from what she saw as his betrayal and ultimately his infidelity.
Eoin, realising his behaviour risked losing Ciara, had over previous months tried valiantly to reassure her that it would never happen again. He reduced his online activities and proactively encouraged Ciara to check both his website browsing history and his phone for texts. When Ciara had suggested counselling, Eoin agreed. While in therapy, Eoin talked of how his curiosity had led him to chat rooms. He had found them fun, ‘entertaining’ and he had never considered what, if discovered, the consequences might be for his marriage. For the couple the outcome was a positive one, partly down to the fact that the online relationship had been in its infancy. Even so, it took months of hard work in counselling before they could work through the issue and for Ciara to regain her trust in Eoin. Only then could they refocus on a future together.
For some, online chatting is nothing more than harmless fun. However, if your partner is spending hours online with someone of the opposite sex, sharing personal details, photos and chatting with sexual undertones, how harmless is it really? If you were to discover your partner acting in a similar fashion with someone from work, how would you respond? At the very least, you’d want to talk about it and maybe agree on how much and what type of contact is healthy, that won’t affect your relationship. You might also want to explore what your partner sought out in that relationship that was not in yours. The question is, should your approach to an online relationship be any different?
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Carole is a relationship counsellor, Life Coach, and NLP practitioner. Her company Type Dynamics offers a range of services and training from individual client work through to workshops. www.typedynamics.ie
Tel: + 353 (85) 778-5615
